Still with us? Thanks for that. We know we're rude. We know we're immature. Hey, America's dead, folks! But we're alive in Los Angeles! For now.

The Republic died folks. Sorry! We know, Los Angeles helped kill it off. But at least we were ironic about it. We know how we're the circuses part of that bread and circuses Rome equation.

This is what came after.

You know something interesting? For every beautiful heartfelt unique novel about Los Angeles, how many of same are there about New York City? What is it, a 1 to 100 ratio or something? Hey, at least 1 to 20.

Unique, heartfelt true-to-life and stunningly beautiful novels about Los Angeles? Fuck, how many are there? I mean, we had Raymond Chandler, God bless him. And we inherited Ray Bradbury, God bless him, but he was always a Midwesterner at heart, sweet and polite even when penning dystopia. We had Bukowski. Bukowski. Bukowski. We did have Bukowski. And we had he who inspired Bukowski: John Fante, author of Ask the Dust. So, we had three. Fante, Chandler and Bukowski. But who have we had lately? Shit, they've got to be out there. But where?

We want to find you, poets of Los Angeles.

What does it mean to be a poet of Los Angeles, and how is it different from being a poet of say, New York City?


Well, it's kind of like the question: what happens in a fight between Captain Kirk and Captain Piccard? Well, of course, Captain Piccard says in his resonant voice "Now let's talk about this" and Kirk blows him away. Kirk, obviously, being Los Angeles.

Yeah, we fight dirty. I mean, you could claim to be a poet of the people and live in Manhattan, maybe as late as 1982 or something. Maybe. But no more, baby.

Thanks for being here, man. Woman. Gentile. Jew. Crazy fuck. Sane cultural critic. Looney tune of the West. Scholar and fascist. Redneck and aesthete. Et Cetera. Suck our balls.

Why does everyone think that if you're a writer you gotta move to New York City? It's because of the Jews, isn't it? I didn't say that.

P.S. We don't discriminate, etc., based on race and stuff. We will totally read your stuff, even if you are a white male. Even if you have voted Republican your whole life, we will read your stuff. That is just the kind of people we are here. We care about you. We love you. We need you. Biracial Lesbians, we need you. Quadriplegic transgendered atheists, we need you. Lumberjacks, both circumcised and non, we need you too.

Excuse me, I need a moment. Please bring me my pre-sorted green M & M's now.